HOLDING TENSIONS: Let's Be Normal

By James Miles

We all want the same things, mostly…

When I moved to Seattle, from Brooklyn, NY, I knew that I would face some significant differences, but I thought I was ready for it. I was hired as the Executive Director of a beloved arts education organization, serving mostly low income, BIPOC youth in south Seattle and on the southern border of Seattle. 

Leaving NYC after working under the leadership of multiple individuals that didn’t connect with their staff, I vowed to do the exact opposite of them. I wanted to make communal decisions, understand differing perspectives, bring joy into the workday, and, most importantly, trust the staff. 

This worked well…until it didn’t.

West Coast vs. East Coast

I should say, I thought that I was doing all of the above, but in actuality, my version of leadership was limited. 

What I didn’t account for were the cultural differences between the west coast and east coasts. Within my first two weeks, there was a disagreement between two employees that seemed normal to me. It revolved around two people that were friends, and with one being promoted to a leadership role, there was some beef. I met with each of them, and tried to help them come to an agreement. Through my east coast paradigm, I thought it was water under the bridge and we would keep pushing. I mean, I’ve worked with numerous people that I didn’t like, but we still were cordial and got things done. 

The west coast doesn’t play like that though; there needed to be conversation, convening, and more conversation. The emotional aspects of the beef flew over my head. I ignored those cultural differences and ended up ignoring those two individuals, who both ended up resigning. 

I wonder what would have happened if I had confronted their disagreement with more empathy and a desire to better understand, would those people still be working with me? Could that have been prevented? That’s something I think about often.

Artist vs. Leader

I also noticed differences in how we use language. The west coast, and Seattle particularly, lead the country in intersectionality - and how people talk about themselves and others. However, some things don’t fly as they do in other parts of the country. 

As a person that spent many years doing comedic performance, and having two full time comedians in my family, there are few items that are considered off the table. I always thought humor has a way to bridge differences. Yet, again, that is based on my experiences growing up on the east coast. 

To be clear, I have never ‘punched down’ nor will I ever defame someone based on their identity. However, I admit to cracking off-color jokes, some of which may, or may not, belong in a workplace. After several times of this happening, and people looking askance, calling me out, and even refusing to speak to me, I understood that I was perpetuating the kind of experiences from my previous jobs, that I vowed to not ever replicate.

Learning & Growing

For a long time, I argued that I wanted to just be me and not kowtow to any imposed standards of what is right and wrong. I mean, who doesn’t like a good joke or have beef with someone that works with you?  

While this, indeed, may be true, I realized that I needed to respond to the culture I was in, not the culture I wanted to be in. 

Most interestingly, I pride myself on being culturally responsive in the classroom, and when I was with students on the west coast, I adapted to the culture of the students. But when I was with my colleagues or staff, I failed to do that. 

If one is to be truly culturally responsive, it has to be all in, and we can’t pick and choose. 

In order to accomplish these things, here is what I have learned and what you can learn from my experience:

  • It requires listening to understand, not listening to speak. 

  • It requires patience, loss of ego, and willingness to fail and be wrong. 

  • It requires an open heart and open mind. 

  • It requires you to show up, even when showing up is uncomfortable. 

I’m not an expert, by any means, nor do I have all the answers. I still make mistakes and will continue to make more, I am sure. I am now dedicated to getting back up when I’m knocked down, and instead of preparing to fight, I am preparing to listen and see how I can do better. 

My new mission in life is to normalize humanity and that means normalizing experiences that are very different and unlike my own.