HOLDING TENSIONS: My Personal Battle of In-Person vs. Virtual

BY CARYN COOPER

Recently, I’ve described different times in my life as pre-pandemic, during the pandemic, and “post-pandemic.” For me, it brings a sense of clarity to describe the way I was participating in various activities during that point in time. Was it in-person, virtual, or maybe a combination of the two?

Pre-Pandemic, I…

Before the pandemic, I lived my life in a way in which I was always out and about. I was constantly outside, whether working in an office, going out to dinner with friends, or enjoying an occasional happy hour with co-workers. I used to joke around and say that “my apartment is just there so I have a place to sleep.” 

I consistently went to museums, visited my favorite theaters, and attended a number of shows every week. That was my life. I never pictured myself doing anything different. 

That is until March of 2020.

Right Before the Pandemic Became a Global Event…

In December of 2019, I remember hearing on the news about a new virus called COVID-19. I didn’t know much about it, just that folks in different parts of Asia were getting very sick. But being that I am based in the US, specifically in New York, I wasn’t phased much. I continued to see shows, travel, and get tickets for upcoming shows for later that spring. 

The holidays came and went, and then it was January of 2020. News started to spread that the virus has made its way to the US, specifically California. Being on the other side of the country though, I still didn’t think much of it and I continued to see shows and make reservations for future performances. 

In February of 2020, the virus was detected in various states and cities across the US including my own state and city of New York. I had some hesitation in attending events, but nothing too serious. Not until March of 2020. Many places shut down in ways I had never experienced. Schools, libraries, museums, theaters, concerts, restaurants all closed and postponed events for what we thought would be two weeks. I went to work on Friday, March 13th. It was a little odd as many folks were opting to stay home. The trains were nowhere near as crowded for rush hour commuting. Over the weekend, the Governor implemented a stay-at-home order. You were only allowed to leave for essential outings (ie. food, medical reasons). Little did I know that my way of living was about to significantly change. 

During the Pandemic, I…

With a stay-at-home order that kept getting extended and restaurants, theaters, museums and concert venues closed, I lost my way of entertaining myself. The world pivoted and the way in which we participated in programs shifted so that we could be safe at home. This is where technology came into play. 

There was this tension about integrating technology into the arts. Some argued that it takes money away from the artists, while others felt it gave way to a new sense of creativity. As a person who feels that the arts are a community endeavor, I was a bit skeptical of how to participate separately at home. There was a lot of tension inside of me when considering how to be present when I was not present  

But I have to say that my mind was blown wide open! I was able to see concerts live on YouTube and Instagram. I could take dance and paint classes on zoom. I could have drinks and dinner with friends via WhatsApp regardless of where in the world folks were located. It was great! 

But right when I was getting used to doing everything at home, the world wanted to shift back to doing things in-person.

Post-Pandemic, I…

Entering this post-pandemic time, I found myself unwilling to change the way I did things. After working from home for two years, I was asked to return to the office, which did not excite me at all. Friends asked to meet for dinner at our old favorite restaurants (and sometimes new, as the old ones may have permanently shut down), but the idea of going out and removing my mask terrified me. Concerts and performances were returning to their in-person sites. I was conflicted! I wanted to attend, but I was uncomfortable with the idea of being in crowds. But if I didn’t physically go, then I was unable to participate. The option of attending and participating virtually was slowly fading away. 

The struggle was real. The tension of wanting to go but not being comfortable made participating in the arts difficult. At first, my answer was a hard no. 

But I felt I was missing out on the fun. 

Then, I decided to compromise and attend in-person events only if they were outdoors. I wasn’t quite yet comfortable being inside. So, I went to several outdoor exhibits and shows at an outside amphitheater. It was cool. I could participate in the arts in a way I felt comfortable with. 

Where Am I Today?

Today, I feel more comfortable being indoors with small groups of people. And I did attend my first indoor music concert last month. 

However, I will admit that when I am asked to attend or consider going to an arts program, there is a tension inside myself of whether I feel comfortable`going or not. 

This is an on-going battle that I foresee myself going through for the immediate future. I’m not sure how long this tension will last, but that is where I am right now.