Learning Unlearning: Unlearning Not Asking Questions

By: Parker Stephen Nolan

Asking questions can be tough for some people, and I was one of them. I used to think that by asking questions I would be conceived as incapable and lacking knowledge. I don’t know where I picked this notion up. It certainly wasn’t from life at home growing up, where my parents constantly encouraged us to ask questions. Maybe it was daycare? School? Work? Regardless, I had to unlearn my bad habit of not asking questions.

The Struggle Was Real

It unfortunately took longer than I would have liked for me to realize that asking questions is actually a good thing. I don’t have a big, crazy story where I made a big mistake as a result of not asking a question (and hence would have learned this lesson). 

Growing up, and even to this day, I pride myself on my organizational skills. When things are out of order, I still get stressed, irritable, and anxious. I can imagine how my fear of asking questions somehow developed and wrapped itself up in my stress and anxiety. It sparked a fear that if I asked a question, people would view me as unorganized, stupid, and lazy. From my view, when I asked a question, people would think I clearly didn’t know what I was doing, and that I was too lazy to try and problem solve to figure it out.

I tried to show what I saw as my best self at all times: an organized, creative, and smart young person. I avoided asking questions so my image wouldn’t be tainted with the negative traits I associated with admitting I needed help or clarification. I would instead focus on problem solving on my own. Sometimes that worked, and sometimes I crashed and burned for not letting my guard down and allowing others to help me. 

Asking Questions is Okay

I’m not sure when the flip switched, but it did and I’m incredibly thankful. 

I assume I was able to unlearn my bad habit due in large part to the wonderful people I’ve had the privilege to be around and work with. From my family and friends, to former teachers and bosses from high school, to professors from college, and more, the patience and love I’ve received from those around me must have played a significant role in me slowly unlearning my irrational fear. Through my relationships with those trusted individuals, I felt safer asking questions. It wasn’t as scary to be vulnerable around them.

If only there was a definitive (and easier) solution to unlearning. It’s different for everyone, and for me it took me a long time to unlearn my fear of asking questions. I now know that asking questions is okay, and that it’s important. Most people even welcome asking questions! Mind-blowing, right? I now know that asking questions shows that I’m engaged, that I care about the work or task I’m doing, and that I want to do it well. Asking questions is how we learn.

Please encourage the people around you to ask questions, and especially youth. Answer all of their questions, encourage them to ask even more, and ask them questions back. If they first learn that asking questions is safe and welcomed, they won’t have to unlearn the fear that doing so will result in negative views on their character.